23 'Habits' of People Who Experience Emotional Intensity

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “Feelings come and go.” This motto can be reassuring for someone feeling emotional or overwhelmed by uncomfortable feelings because it lets them know those feelings are only temporary. But for someone who experiences emotional intensity, this phrase might not bring much comfort.

Experiencing emotions with such intensity can be exhausting. It’s tough to control your emotions and even tougher to control the intensity of which you feel them. Some people cope with their emotional intensity through distraction (“I can zone out and create my own little world”), while others are thankful for this ability (“I love to feel emotions truly and deeply; this is what makes us alive”).

We wanted to know how those with emotional intensity react or cope with their emotions, so we asked our mental health community what “habits” they may have because they experience emotions so intensely.

Here’s what they shared with us:

1. “Dissociation. I get so overwhelmed with emotions I literally go numb and my brain shuts down.” — Leena S.
2. 
   
3. “Because I feel things so deeply, I take on the intensity of other people’s emotions. If they’re anxious, scared or nervous, I absorb it until I can feel it physically.” — Jody M.
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5. “I often get sucked into games on my phone, I can zone out and create my own little worlds. It distracts me from my emotions so I don’t have to deal with them.” — Dianna M.
6. 
   
7. “When my emotions are intense, I spend money on things I don’t need.” — Amanda S.
8. 
   
9. “I obsess way too much. I meet up with someone and days later, I’ll still be analyzing the details of the day, like the little things they did and said to see if they had given me any hidden insults or disapprovals over my behaviors that day.” — Melissa A.
10. 
    
11. “I can sleep for hours after something that was emotional draining for me. Or if it is a deep conversation with someone, I will need to nap.” — Leesha K.
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13. “Meditation. But I love to feel emotions truly and deeply; this is what makes us alive.” — Nadine H.
14. “Overthinking and isolating myself.” — Jolene E.
15. 
    
16. “I scratch my head. Once my emotions and thoughts get going, I make my head itch and it’s always the same spots. I can scratch for awhile before I realize what I’m doing.” — Jordyn O.
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18. “Emotional eating, isolating myself, shutting myself down and not talking. If it happens when I’m around people, I’ll hide in the bathroom or somewhere else away from everyone.” — Natalie V.
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20. “Silence. I shut myself off and keep quiet so I don’t have the chance to overreact. Music and my headphones are my best friends.” — Juniper R.
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22. “When I’m nervous or anxious, I pick at the skin around my nails. I also can’t stop bouncing my right knee up and down.” — Meagan B.
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24. “I tend to think everyone’s going to leave me. When it comes to expressing my interests, I tremble and find it hard to articulate words.” — Genkidama K.
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26. “When I get bursts of anger, I become very sensitive to any noise, even if it’s just the sound of the TV. I have to sit in a room in complete silence in order to calm down.” — Lisbet F.
27. 
    
28. “Fear. Because of my own intense emotions and being empathic and feeling others’ emotions so hardcore, it scares me. I can’t control the feelings and it gets far too overwhelming.” — Phaedra M.
29. “I shut down and go numb. When I can get out of the situation, I break down and cry.” — Emily H.
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31. “I have to disengage from situations and conversations, sometimes abruptly. It can appear rude. But if I don’t walk away I can lose control and let my emotions carry me away.” — Mary C.
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33. “I have established grounding locations. When I feel super intense emotions, I drive there and wait it out. It gives me a good routine and a safe place to let my emotions wind down.” — Clara S
34. .
35. “I can’t watch regular shows or most movies. I watch mainly documentaries with a monotone narrator. Shows have too many emotional ups and downs, characters, etc., and it’s too stressful and upsetting for me.” — Christina M.
36. 
    
37. “Crawl in bed, stay under the blanket and sleep.” — Michelle B.
38. 
    
39. “I isolate myself. I can’t handle interacting with people because I take on their emotions as well. Mine are overwhelming enough without anyone else’s being thrown into the mix.” — Sara-jayne
40. 
    
41. “I have to physically distract myself to prevent outward expression.” — Hailey T.
42. 
    
43. “I feel like I can’t trust myself, or at least my emotions. I tell myself, ‘This will pass,’ but in the meantime, I feel like I’m drowning in a deluge of feelings.” — Lauren S.

Whatever habits you may have because of your emotional intensity, just know that you’re not alone. Your

emotions, as intense as they may feel, are valid.

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How to Get Kids to Listen: 10 Ladders for Success

You’ve asked your child to do something. Very calmly. Very rationally. And very deliberately. Nothing happened!! Now, you feel yourself quickly falling into the familiar cycle of “Repeat. Remind.”

And then it occurs— that the fuse blows. In a jiffy of utter defeat, you’re left screaming the same demands you had requested calmly just minutes ago. The energy escalates and everyone is left discouraged and frustrated.

So, if you want to get a grip on your child’s indifference & unresponsiveness, the first thing you need to do is figure out WHY she /he is NOT listening. If you don’t address this issue at its roots, you’re sure to see a simple case of “not listening” blossom into bigger behavior issues such as tantrums, backtalk and defiance, etc.

Why Don’t Kids Listen?

Children of all ages whether toddler through teens—have a hard-wired need for attention & power. When children don’t have opportunities to exert their power in positive ways such as choosing what clothes to wear, picking what game to play, making the dinner menu, etc.—they will exert their power in negative ways.

Because children DO have control over their body and language, the most power struggles occur when children use their bodies and language to defy our requests.

By choosing NOT to listen, children can assert their power. This behavior is simply a way children express their need for more control and decision-making ability in their lives.

By implementing a few easy-to-learn positive parenting techniques such Get to the Root of the Behavior, Be Consistent, No Rewards Always, Focus on what you can control – YOURSELF, Discipline, Don’t Punish and try giving your children power within your boundaries. By doing this, cooperation from your children will improve and the dreaded repeat – remind – repeat – remind cycle will come to an end.

Don’t lump every communication shutdown under the “not listening” umbrella. Dig in and discover what’s really going on, then you can make an action plan to specifically address that problem.

10 Ladders for Success

1.     Don’t threaten or explode - “Warning children, ‘You better be good,’ is too broad and general a message,” Assuming a child should know what we want, not being clear about what we expect in advance, and setting unrealistic limits will lead to frustration. That leaves the door open for reacting in anger or in an overly emotional way.

2.     Get on Their Level - When you need your child’s attention, make sure you get his / her attention by giving a patient listening first & then a good eye contact. When you lower yourself down and look his / her in the eye, you not only verify he /she sees and hears you, but you strengthen the communication as well. This means you might have to step away from the laundry or put down the whisk for a minute and step into the other room. Proximity is key—you’re not talking down to him /her or barking orders from the other room—you’re speaking with him /her.

3.     Do Away With Don’t - Don’t touch your brother. Don’t run in the hall. Don’t play with your food. Don’t read the next sentence.  Negative commands, such as “don’t” and “no” require kids to double process. Kids have to answer two questions:

I)                   What does my parent NOT want me to do?

II)                 What does my parent want me to do instead?

That’s confusing and contradictory. For example, if you say “Don’t touch your brother,” a child has to stop the current behavior & determine the appropriate alternative behavior—If I can’t touch him, does that mean I can’t hug him? Can we play ? Can I give him a hi-fi? Can I help him put on his jacket or tie his shoes if mom asks? Instead of “Don’t touch your brother,” try “Use gentle touches when touching your brother” or “Your brother doesn’t want to be touched right now

4.     Do find opportunities for praise - Pay attention to what your child is doing. Take the time to listen fully to what they have to say, and agree when appropriate. The Parents who are available to, and show empathy toward, their children are serving as excellent role models.

5.     Say YES to YES - Think about it for a moment. What is your normal, knee-jerk reaction to the 10,000 requests you get from your child every day? “NO,” right? When you’re bombarded with requests, it’s difficult to sift through them in a meaningful way, so you just deliver canned responses—“No, not today.” “No, I don’t have time for that.” “No.” “Nope.” Look for reasons to say yes more often. Your “yes” answers will begin to surprise and delight your child and have them paying more attention when you ask for something! Instead of “No we can’t go to the park,” try “The park sounds awesome! Should we go Friday after school or Saturday morning?”

6.     Shorten your Speech - There’s a saying in the sales industry, “never sell with blah-blah what you can sell with blah only.” I think it makes sense in parenting too. When trying to get your kid’s attention, be as concise as possible and they won’t even have time to tune you out!

7.     Say Thank You in Advance - Help your kids make an appropriate choice by taking this leap of faith. Your preemptive “Thank you for hanging up your towel after your shower,” will encourage your kids toward good behavior. Letting them know, in advance, that you trust them to do the right thing will cultivate open communication lines and increase the likelihood the task will get completed.

8.     Empower Your Kid - State the facts instead of always issuing commands. Kids aren't robots programmed to do our bidding. They need to exercise their free will, which is why they often do exactly the opposite of what we ask them to. The trick is to turn your directive into a teaching moment. So instead of, "Put that milk away," you might simply say: "Milk spoils when it's left out." This approach says to a child, "I know that when you have all the information, you'll do the right thing.

9.     Ensure Comprehension - A simple way to ensure your child has heard you and that he /she understands is to ask her to repeat back what you said. Once you’ve made eye contact, shortened your speech, and clearly explained what you need your child to do, calmly ask your child to repeat back what they’ve just heard.

10. Make an Observation - If you see a task that’s been left undone, don’t dive in with a big reprimand, just make an OBSERVATION: “I see a jacket on the floor,” or you can ask, “What is your plan for taking care of the trash today?”  It’s enabling because it’s assumptive on your part that they can have a plan—and gives your child an opportunity to quickly come up with a plan in the moment if they didn’t already have one!

Final Reflections - Remember that “not listening” should always be a wakeup call for us. While it might seem like defiance or inattention on their part—it is more than likely a way to get our attention or express their need for power. Kids and adults alike have a need to be seen and heard. When this need isn’t met, kids will stop listening to us. It may sound counter-intuitive, but CLEARLY it works since it’s the number one complaint parents share!

Author
Dr. Ajit Kumar Kar
In-Charge (Learning & Development) @ IMFA Ltd., Judge - Brandon Hall HR Excellence Awards-2019 , Co-Founder - CHRD
www.ajitprofile.webs.com

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