How to Get Kids to Listen: 10 Ladders for Success

You’ve asked your child to do something. Very calmly. Very rationally. And very deliberately. Nothing happened!! Now, you feel yourself quickly falling into the familiar cycle of “Repeat. Remind.”

And then it occurs— that the fuse blows. In a jiffy of utter defeat, you’re left screaming the same demands you had requested calmly just minutes ago. The energy escalates and everyone is left discouraged and frustrated.

So, if you want to get a grip on your child’s indifference & unresponsiveness, the first thing you need to do is figure out WHY she /he is NOT listening. If you don’t address this issue at its roots, you’re sure to see a simple case of “not listening” blossom into bigger behavior issues such as tantrums, backtalk and defiance, etc.

Why Don’t Kids Listen?

Children of all ages whether toddler through teens—have a hard-wired need for attention & power. When children don’t have opportunities to exert their power in positive ways such as choosing what clothes to wear, picking what game to play, making the dinner menu, etc.—they will exert their power in negative ways.

Because children DO have control over their body and language, the most power struggles occur when children use their bodies and language to defy our requests.

By choosing NOT to listen, children can assert their power. This behavior is simply a way children express their need for more control and decision-making ability in their lives.

By implementing a few easy-to-learn positive parenting techniques such Get to the Root of the Behavior, Be Consistent, No Rewards Always, Focus on what you can control – YOURSELF, Discipline, Don’t Punish and try giving your children power within your boundaries. By doing this, cooperation from your children will improve and the dreaded repeat – remind – repeat – remind cycle will come to an end.

Don’t lump every communication shutdown under the “not listening” umbrella. Dig in and discover what’s really going on, then you can make an action plan to specifically address that problem.

10 Ladders for Success

1.     Don’t threaten or explode - “Warning children, ‘You better be good,’ is too broad and general a message,” Assuming a child should know what we want, not being clear about what we expect in advance, and setting unrealistic limits will lead to frustration. That leaves the door open for reacting in anger or in an overly emotional way.

2.     Get on Their Level - When you need your child’s attention, make sure you get his / her attention by giving a patient listening first & then a good eye contact. When you lower yourself down and look his / her in the eye, you not only verify he /she sees and hears you, but you strengthen the communication as well. This means you might have to step away from the laundry or put down the whisk for a minute and step into the other room. Proximity is key—you’re not talking down to him /her or barking orders from the other room—you’re speaking with him /her.

3.     Do Away With Don’t - Don’t touch your brother. Don’t run in the hall. Don’t play with your food. Don’t read the next sentence.  Negative commands, such as “don’t” and “no” require kids to double process. Kids have to answer two questions:

I)                   What does my parent NOT want me to do?

II)                 What does my parent want me to do instead?

That’s confusing and contradictory. For example, if you say “Don’t touch your brother,” a child has to stop the current behavior & determine the appropriate alternative behavior—If I can’t touch him, does that mean I can’t hug him? Can we play ? Can I give him a hi-fi? Can I help him put on his jacket or tie his shoes if mom asks? Instead of “Don’t touch your brother,” try “Use gentle touches when touching your brother” or “Your brother doesn’t want to be touched right now

4.     Do find opportunities for praise - Pay attention to what your child is doing. Take the time to listen fully to what they have to say, and agree when appropriate. The Parents who are available to, and show empathy toward, their children are serving as excellent role models.

5.     Say YES to YES - Think about it for a moment. What is your normal, knee-jerk reaction to the 10,000 requests you get from your child every day? “NO,” right? When you’re bombarded with requests, it’s difficult to sift through them in a meaningful way, so you just deliver canned responses—“No, not today.” “No, I don’t have time for that.” “No.” “Nope.” Look for reasons to say yes more often. Your “yes” answers will begin to surprise and delight your child and have them paying more attention when you ask for something! Instead of “No we can’t go to the park,” try “The park sounds awesome! Should we go Friday after school or Saturday morning?”

6.     Shorten your Speech - There’s a saying in the sales industry, “never sell with blah-blah what you can sell with blah only.” I think it makes sense in parenting too. When trying to get your kid’s attention, be as concise as possible and they won’t even have time to tune you out!

7.     Say Thank You in Advance - Help your kids make an appropriate choice by taking this leap of faith. Your preemptive “Thank you for hanging up your towel after your shower,” will encourage your kids toward good behavior. Letting them know, in advance, that you trust them to do the right thing will cultivate open communication lines and increase the likelihood the task will get completed.

8.     Empower Your Kid - State the facts instead of always issuing commands. Kids aren't robots programmed to do our bidding. They need to exercise their free will, which is why they often do exactly the opposite of what we ask them to. The trick is to turn your directive into a teaching moment. So instead of, "Put that milk away," you might simply say: "Milk spoils when it's left out." This approach says to a child, "I know that when you have all the information, you'll do the right thing.

9.     Ensure Comprehension - A simple way to ensure your child has heard you and that he /she understands is to ask her to repeat back what you said. Once you’ve made eye contact, shortened your speech, and clearly explained what you need your child to do, calmly ask your child to repeat back what they’ve just heard.

10. Make an Observation - If you see a task that’s been left undone, don’t dive in with a big reprimand, just make an OBSERVATION: “I see a jacket on the floor,” or you can ask, “What is your plan for taking care of the trash today?”  It’s enabling because it’s assumptive on your part that they can have a plan—and gives your child an opportunity to quickly come up with a plan in the moment if they didn’t already have one!

Final Reflections - Remember that “not listening” should always be a wakeup call for us. While it might seem like defiance or inattention on their part—it is more than likely a way to get our attention or express their need for power. Kids and adults alike have a need to be seen and heard. When this need isn’t met, kids will stop listening to us. It may sound counter-intuitive, but CLEARLY it works since it’s the number one complaint parents share!

Author
Dr. Ajit Kumar Kar
In-Charge (Learning & Development) @ IMFA Ltd., Judge - Brandon Hall HR Excellence Awards-2019 , Co-Founder - CHRD
www.ajitprofile.webs.com

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7 things to do if you don’t like your children’s friends....

Be honest with yourself about why you dislike them, try to befriend them. And never let your child know you feel that way...

Chances are you are going to loathe at least one of your kid’s friends, sometimes for no good reason, but this is one situation where you have to tread very carefully.

1. Never admit it. That’s the fastest way to make them infinitely more attractive to toddlers and teenagers. If you want to change a vague friendship into something resembling Romeo and Juliet in terms of passion and intensity, just say you don’t like someone. Also, never enthuse about anyone you think is a great influence as that can put the kiss of death on the friendship.

2. Take the long-term view. Children grow up, teenagers stop rebelling and parents learn to relax a little. Friends you are currently not keen on can be dropped overnight, turn into absolute charmers, or become the friend who is always there for your child, no matter what. Stay quiet and keep an eye on things, as well as being honest enough to admit you got someone wrong.

3. It’s not about you. Sometimes you don’t like a parent or a different way of bringing up children and that can translate into an unreasonable dislike of a child. Try to be honest with yourself – does a very confident child make yours seem timid, or a different approach to discipline undermine what you always previously thought was reasonable?

4. Befriend them. This works at every age. Don’t be sycophantic or overeager – just practical and friendly. When they are younger, do things with them such as making cakes, or include them in slightly odd activities, such as clearing out a shed and taking rubbish to the dump. Talk to them, listen to them, be interested. Give them slightly more responsibility than they are used to, so that coming to your home makes them feel more grown up. Similarly with teenagers. Treat them as adults and they find it hard not to respond. Also, your teenagers might find that the coolest person in school isn’t quite such a rebel with their feet under your kitchen table having a cosy cup of tea.

5. Be wary. If your dislike is based on something tangible and harmful, such as bullying, over-influencing or dangerous behaviours, you will have to do something, but approach with care. With a younger child who is being bossed or bullied by a so-called friend, try empathy and chat about what they can do, especially in their own home, to be in charge for a bit. Never interfere directly as your child won’t welcome that and it might mean they stop telling you what’s worrying them. Focus instead on building their confidence and developing other friendships alongside the one that troubles you. When it comes to peer pressure and drink, drugs and sex, keep talking, but shift the balance slightly, asking if they worry about friends indulging and what the outcome has been if they have. If that takes the conversation on to their own involvement, do not blame anyone else; be glad your teenager has confided and concentrate on helping them.

6. Don’t be cool. It’s your job to worry. Stranger danger changes in early teens and it can be hard for them to realize that they are more likely to be tempted into dangerous behavior by someone close to them, such as a sibling, cousin or friend, so have that chat in plenty of time. Pretending you don’t worry is pointless and might inspire attention-seeking behavior. Always be the parent who can be called in a crisis – whether for your child or their friend. You’re not condoning, but you will help them deal with difficult situations.

7. Applaud their confidence. Remind them occasionally that, as they get older, they will widen their friendship circle and may meet people who will try to influence them, but imply confidence in them making their own decisions. If they accuse you of considering a friend a bad influence, instead focus on their own determination and influence. Something as simple as, “I always thought you were more likely to influence than be influenced” can put a different perspective on relationships for them, without any parental criticism of their friends.

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Where does confidence in school children come from?

SKILLS:

Every time your child improves his/her skills, and they know (through feedback) that they’ve improved their skills, they become more confident.

SELF-INQUIRY OR SELF-REFLECTION:

When your child does a job really well, we appreciate them, but leave it at that.

Next time, try this – go one step further and ask them questions about how they did the job.

Ex: If your child coloured a mango, ask them about how they chose the colours or how they coloured within the border. This will make them self-reflect and gain a better understanding.

MAKE IT CHALLENGING:

If your child is used to a particular pattern of completing tasks, UP the game a bit by adding a closer deadline or make the rules more challenging for them. (And you can use that extra time to spend time together!)

You can add incentives or change the approach altogether to make tasks more exciting for your child.

And don’t forget the most important part – give genuine feedback!

If your child has done a good job, appreciate it. But if they haven’t, then push them to make them reach their potential.

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If you child eats while using smart phone !! Then this is for you

Getting your child to eat the food they’re served is not the easiest task in the world.

While children are busy watching something or playing on an app, they’re distracted enough to quite literally, gobble up their food.

And not just that…

Most of us adults love having some “quiet freedom” from our children’s constant noisiness at the table, be it at home or in a restaurant. 

Here’s why using mobile phones while eating is the worst thing for your child:

1. Leads to severe addiction:

Here’s a startling fact — research shows that 90% of children interact with smartphones even before they turn 2.

And this is scary because children at this age (and the early years in general) should be engaged creatively to receive maximum brain development.

Handing over a screen, even if it’s just during mealtime, can be a huge mistake.

Because what starts off as showing the child YouTube rhymes or Peppa Pig while eating, will slowly turn into a habit that the child finds hard to break away from.

And once this habit forms, the child won’t even want to try to escape from it.

This behavior of not being able to disconnect from their smartphone may also creep into other aspects of their lives and can lead to a severe addiction.

2. Eating too much or too less:

Children learn to eat in accordance with these external distracting cues.

They tend to eat a lot more slowly, lazily, and in an uninterested manner than if they focused on the food.

Increased focus on eating and the dining table environment will lead to your child relishing the food they’re eating as well as eating exactly as much as they need and not any more or less.

So, if under-eating or overeating is a problem your child has, it may come down to this root cause.

Eating distractedly can cause them to overeat and eating extremely slowly because of the distraction can make them under-eat.

3. Not chewing properly:

Eating distractedly can also result in your child not chewing properly. Swallowing pieces of food that haven’t been chewed up properly can be a choking hazard and can also lead to indigestion and even an upset stomach.

4. Lack of interaction with family members:

Another important reason to keep the screens at bay while at the table is mere interaction.

How much time do you spend in a day, seated with your family while really interacting with them? Think about it.

In most modern day families, the answer would be ‘not much’.

Making meal time a collective activity that your family is engaged in teaches your child the importance of keeping in touch with family and can give you details about your children’s lives and interests as they’re growing up.

This directly helps in strengthening the bond you have with them.

Looking at it from another perspective, if you were to hand your child a screen during meal time, the kid learns that interacting while being seated right beside your family members for an extended period of time is unimportant.

This may lead the child to believe that the family ‘doesn’t talk much’ and this sort of behavior can be seen constantly repeating itself on family trips and events.

The child can tend to use a smart-phone to avoid interaction with family members and can develop an idea that he/she simply does not get along with their family.

So what now?

In the subsequent blogs, we shall be discussing the ways and special strategies through which we can keep the children away from smart-phones.

Stay subscribed to our blog... Happy parenting 

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7 Effective Teaching Strategies For The Classroom

Whether you’ve been teaching two months or twenty years, it can be difficult to know which teaching strategies will work best with your students. As a teacher there is no ‘one size fits all’ solution, so here is a range of effective teaching strategies you can use to inspire your classroom practice.

1. Visualization
Bring dull academic concepts to life with visual and practical learning experiences, helping your students to understand how their schooling applies in the real-world.

Examples include using the interactive whiteboard to display photos, audio clips and videos, as well as encouraging your students to get out of their seats with classroom experiments and local field trips.

 2. Cooperative learning
Encourage students of mixed abilities to work together by promoting small group or whole class activities.

Through verbally expressing their ideas and responding to others your students will develop their self-confidence, as well as enhance their communication and critical thinking skills which are vital throughout life.

Solving mathematical puzzles, conducting scientific experiments and acting out short drama sketches are just a few examples of how cooperative learning can be incorporated into classroom lessons.

3. Inquiry-based instruction
Pose thought-provoking questions which inspire your students to think for themselves and become more independent learners.

Encouraging students to ask questions and investigate their own ideas helps improve their problem-solving skills as well as gain a deeper understanding of academic concepts. Both of which are important life skills.

Inquiries can be science or math-based such as ‘why does my shadow change size?’ or ‘is the sum of two odd numbers always an even number?’. However, they can also be subjective and encourage students to express their unique views, e.g. ‘do poems have to rhyme?’ or ‘should all students wear uniform?’.

4. Differentiation
Differentiate your teaching by allocating tasks based on students’ abilities, to ensure no one gets left behind.

Assigning classroom activities according to students’ unique learning needs means individuals with higher academic capabilities are stretched and those who are struggling get the appropriate support.

This can involve handing out worksheets that vary in complexity to different groups of students, or setting up a range of work stations around the classroom which contain an assortment of tasks for students to choose from.

Moreover, using an educational tool such as Quizalize can save you hours of time because it automatically groups your students for you, so you can easily identify individual and whole class learning gaps (click here to find out more).

5. Technology in the classroom
Incorporating technology into your teaching is a great way to actively engage your students, especially as digital media surrounds young people in the 21st century.

Interactive whiteboards or mobile devices can be used to display images and videos, which helps students visualize new academic concepts. Learning can become more interactive when technology is used as students can physically engage during lessons as well as instantly research their ideas, which develops autonomy.

Mobile devices, such as iPads and/or tablets, can be used in the classroom for students to record results, take photos/videos  or simply as a behavior management technique. Plus, incorporating educational programs such as Quizalize into your lesson plans is also a great way to make formative assessments fun and engaging.

6. Behavior management
Implementing an effective behavior management strategy is crucial to gain your students respect and ensure students have an equal chance of reaching their full potential.

Noisy, disruptive classrooms do no encourage a productive learning environment, therefore developing an atmosphere of mutual respect through a combination of discipline and reward can be beneficial for both you and your students.

Examples include fun and interactive reward charts for younger students, where individuals move up or down based on behavior with the top student receiving a prize at the end of the week. ‘Golden time’ can also work for students of all ages, with a choice of various activities such as games or no homework in reward for their hard work.

7. Professional development
Engaging in regular professional development programs is a great way to enhance teaching and learning in your classroom.

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The Benefits Of Emotional Intelligence

Did you ever think back on some of the important decisions you made in your life and wonder “What was I thinking?” or “Did I really do that and why?” Not using your emotional intelligence may be to blame for those bad decisions and actions.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the ability to identify, use, understand, and manage emotions in an effective and positive way. A high EQ helps individuals to communicate better, reduce their anxiety and stress, defuse conflicts, improve relationships, empathize with others, and effectively overcome life’s challenges.

Our emotional intelligence affects the quality of our lives because it influences our behavior and relationships. EQ is synonymous with self-awareness because it enables us to live our lives with intention, purpose, and autonomy.

Many of us move through life making important decisions based on our current circumstances. We may perceive them as being beyond our ability to change, thus limiting our options and solutions. Taking time to reflect and examining why we decide to do what we do enables us to lead lives determined by our conscious intentions rather than circumstances alone.

Developing EQ can greatly influence our success. Our personal situations and intelligence are factors as well; however, EQ can profoundly affect our choices by creating options we may not have otherwise imagined or considered to be possibilities.

Below are some ways in which you can cultivate and increase your EQ:

Self-awareness.
This is the ability to label, recognize, and understand your own emotions. Self-awareness requires us to tune in to our feelings and not avoid our negative emotions such as anxiety, fear and sadness. Recognizing our own emotional states and how they affect our thoughts, behaviors, and decisions is the key to cultivating self-awareness.

Emotional regulation.
Emotional regulation has to do with our ability to control strong emotions by not acting on raw feelings in an impulsive or destructive manner. Developing the ability to sit with unpleasant feelings and to give ourselves the time and space to decide how we may alleviate or reduce negative feelings cultivates self-confidence. Emotional regulation also helps us develop the ability to consider various solutions to a particular situation or problem. Not reacting solely from an emotionally charged state results in better decision-making outcomes.

Empathy.
When we empathize with others, we develop deeper, more intimate relationships. Empathy is the ability to recognize how and why people feel the way they do. Empathy allows us to anticipate how our actions and behaviors influence other people as well as our own. Developing empathy skills enhances our experiences, relationships, and general understanding of ourselves, other people and the world around us.

Social skills.
This is a very broad term. In general, having strong social skills means having the ability to communicate in a clear, concise, and courteous manner. In a nutshell, good social skills are the summation of all of the components of EQ: self-awareness, emotional regulation, and empathy.

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